Sorry
by LadyDiamond88
Summary: Sorry for being a coward. Sorry for calling you tonight. Sorry for wasting our last chance. Sorry. ONESHOT. -Character Dead-


**I OWN NOTHING (SADLY)**

People always say that it is better to keep the beautiful memories. A kiss will always be better than silence. A caress will always be better than a cold discolored skin. A smile will always be better than lifeless eyes.

I want to remember her. I want to remember her brown eyes sparkling every time she saw me come back after each case. The sound of her outrageous laughter seeping into every corner of my house. Long, endless hours in which we both exchanged secrets.

Her silky blonde hair caressing my shoulder while watching a movie after another. That peace that her voice gave my soul. The way in which her sweetness was simply light on my darkness. Each and every one of the hugs that she has given me for fifteen long years.

\- Morgan, let her go.

The voice of my best friend brings me back to reality. I turn my eyes away from her limp body to observe Spencer.

He has red eyes, as red as my own. His gesture seems dead, as dead as she will be in a few minutes.

Another tear falls back from my eyes. Another sigh leaves my throat as I feel like my heart is depressed.

Penelope was my best friend. She was the most important person in my life for many years. Even though we were never a couple, our lips never touched. Our relationship was something pure, incorruptible and eternal. Now, more than ever, she will be my guardian angel. Although, in reality, she always had been.

I watch the doctor's hands while he disconnects that damn machine that has kept my friend alive.

I feel my body shaking at the same time I hear her last heartbeat.

With my own eyes full of tears, I see Spencer Reid crumble in front of her corpse.

He grabs her cold hand and locks it between his fingers, letting all his pain leave his body. With trembling soul, he gives her a light kiss on the knuckles and whispers: "I love you, Pen"

And I, coward as always, I'm just watching from a distance. I swallow my feelings, my despair and my grief.

I know that tonight I will not sleep. I know I'm going to lie on the bed and I'm going to cry like a little boy. I know that Savannah will comfort me. And I know I'll feel very miserable. Because I'm going to wish that her hands were hers. Because I'll end up yelling that she has not fucking idea what I feel. _  
_

And then my girlfriend will cry. That will be one last blow to my shattered heart. Then I will think about how fair it would be for me to die alone. Because unconsciously, I destroyed some lives. The lives of two women whose only sin was loving me.

I ruined Savannah Hayes life. I used her as a consolation prize, always in second place. I gave her a son but I was unable to give her my heart. I have been a selfish boyfriend. I made her believe in a fairy tale but in my story there are just demons and soulless beasts.

I ruined Penelope García life. She loved me. She never told me, but I know it. In the same way that I loved her. But I didn't want to fight for her love, I didn't want to risk it for her. Anyway, my best friend was always there for me. In good times, bad times. In health, in disease. In wealth, in poverty. Until death separated us.

Spencer leaves the room without saying a word to me. His right shoulder hits me lightly as he passes by me.

I know that deep down, he blames me for what happened.

Penelope did not want to go out that night, she was cold. She preferred to eat popcorn while watching horror movies with Spencer Reid.  
She spent her free time with the young doctor. She said that our movie nights were no longer appropriate.

But that Friday night, I needed her. So I called her and as always, Penelope came to my rescue.

Even though it was two in the morning. Even though she did not like to drive when it rained. Even though Spencer had suggested to her to wait for the storm to end.

When a couple of hours later my smartphone rang, I knew. I knew something bad had happened to her. Because she was always by my side, regardless of time or place.

\- Why did you bother her, man?

The accusing voice of Luke Alvez scratches my heart. I am unable to look into his eyes. I know he is so shattered as myself.

Someone told me that he was the new illusion of Penelope. Honestly, I was happy for her.

He was a good man, just what she deserved. Luke wasn't afraid to show her his love. He was brave. He did dare to tell her his feelings. He made her feel special.

I watch as a nurse covers her lifeless body with a white sheet. I close my eyes and now, just when everything is over, I decide to make a confession.

-I love you, Penelope. Forgive me. Forgive me for everything. Forgive me, please. I love you, okay? I love you very much. And I do not know if I'll be able to live without you.

My voice is just a weak whisper. My legs tremble but I leave the room before letting me fall to the ground.

Now it does not matter. You are no longer here. And I'll never be able to forgive myself. Because I do n't take care of you enough. Because I fail you. Because I've realized that maybe I do not know how to live without you. Because just when you can no longer hear me, I declare my love.

Sorry for being a coward. Sorry for calling you tonight. Sorry for wasting our last chance. Sorry.


End file.
